Jennifer

I’ve been divorced from my wife for two years now, against my will.  My SBC church did nothing to stop the process.  When I asked for a mentor, nothing, when I went to the pastor with information about her affair, nothing.  When I enquired about the process in Matthew 18 about trying to bring a believer back into fellowship or under church discipline, nothing.

So if Don and Sally really believe this, and let’s say I’m very skeptical given nearly 4 years of prayer and work on my part, but nothing that I can see God or His church doing.

So the challenge is there, I am at the line, willing to look at reconciliation.  So can Don and Sally and God and His Holy Spirit bring my former wife to the table to discuss the issue.

More to follow

I want to see action that backs up those words.  I’ve heard far too many words from far too many good meaning people on this program as well as in SBC churches.

It’s easy to say nothing is impossible on the air.  I’ve heard it in countless broadcasts.  I’ve yet to meet one who has been willing or able to provide concrete help to actually put my family back together.

So, I’m asking them to show me, in my very own family.  Don’t just tell me.

Don’t tell me to go to my local church or counselor.  If that were effective, I would not be challenging the words with my very real and very different experience.

I’m asking for concrete help, not just a we’ll pray for you, I hope it goes well.  That’s all I got from my local church and local counselors.  That obviously didn’t work.

So I’m listening to the second broadcast.

I’m listening to the part about the Holy Spirit right now, and have to wonder why, when I begged the Holy Spirit to show me how to love my now former wife, the Holy Spirit was silent.

I keep hearing how the outcome is guaranteed.  Well I would like to invite Don and Sally to take on my situation.

As I said yesterday, the advice to find local help is really saying there is no help.  If my local church and/or local counselors were effective, I would not be reaching out to these folks who sound like they are excited.

I would like to experience the positive results they almost seem guarantee, yet I believe I’ve followed their guidance and have not experienced the promised results.

However, when the crisis occurs is the only time you can test if your congregation, pastor and church leadership really live out what they say they believe.

So I agree with what she is saying, and believe that extends to churches as well.

It’s easy to put on your marquee or on the Sunday bulletin that you are family friendly or pro-Godly Family.  However, for a church to live up to that is much more difficult.

You can’t force a church, or a pastor, or someone who leads a pro-family ministry to go to bat on behalf of your family either.

You can only ask, and if you come away unsatisfied, you can ask for satisfaction.  If it is still not provided, all you have left is to share your experience with those in a position to help.

I know my SBC church failed me, and refused to engage this process for my unfaithful former wife, unwilling to try the very process Christ calls for in Matthew to deal with a member who is sinning against another member.

If the church will not provide counsel or mentoring, and will not attempt loving discipline as described in scripture, then how is the church any different from an unfaithful wife?

How committed is such a church to dealing with it’s flock?

It certainly is NOT an act of love to avoid discipline, we can read that in the Proverbs.

So look not only at your mate selection, probably equally important is to look at the church you select, to see if they are really committed, or just have a sign up, with nothing behind the facade.

I am so sorry to hear of the breakup of your marriage.  I am sorry to hear that there were no believers who came along side of you and your wife during this difficult time.  It is always easy to look back and say “if only”.  Of course, the reality is that even if things were done rightly it may not have changed the outcome of your marriage. Regardless, it does not excuse the church for not following through on God’s commands. 

You have brought up a good point, and my heart grieves.  Oh, how often our eyes turn to the world (and rightly, so) when we sing, “ how the world needs Jesus”.  But we must not forget, that we too, need Jesus.  When God’s people get right with Him, it is amazing what God can do!

End of Part 1

Yes, all things are possible with God, but things do not always work out the way we pray.  I am still learning that even when I don’t get the answers that I desire, that God is good, and somehow in the midst of my disappointment He ministers to me in ways beyond my expectation. Oftentimes, I miss it, because I cannot see that God can bless me beyond a particular desired outcome.

During difficult times, I have found much comfort when I pray, and much encouragement in the reading of the Psalms. (73, 142, 139, etc.) May the Lord give you a taste of His goodness in the land of the living.  (Ps. 27:13-14)

“You need to take her to the Altar and give her to the Lord and let it go. It’s in his hands now.” I had to truly forgive her.

I went to the marriage classes, Christian marriage counseling, and prayer. You name it; I studied it and did everything I could possibly think of to be a better husband and person.

I made the mistake of making my wife my God. I worshipped her instead of being God centered. My thoughts were consumed of only her. Good or bad. I believe this may be where you are at now. Once I changed that, things became better for me.

Part 1.

I think we are safe with regards to me worshiping my former wife over God.

My concern and focus is squarely on what the church and God did or did not do.

I certainly have not heard from Don or Sally, so I wonder if they really mean what they say when they say a marriage at any stage can be saved, restored, whatever the terms they used.

Frankly, I haven’t seen it, and I grow weary of hearing such words, yet time and time again, my personal experience fall short of the potential ascribed to God and His Holy Spirit.

Don and Sally indicate that wonderful things can happen, but yet where are they, over two weeks after I invited them to examine my situation?

For years the Holy Spirit and God have been given an open invitation to demonstrate what folks like Don and Sally indicate God wants in my very life and family.

So, I am not consumed with her, I’m consumed with trying to resolve the wide gulf between what folks indicate God wants, strong families, marriages that honor God, with the reality that when I clearly said, “God, I want that too, but I don’t know how to do this, so if that is what you really want, then you will have to do what scripture says you do, you do the impossible to make your will happen.”

Given my experience, God has not demonstrated to me, personally, that He is really making my family a priority.

So, I ask God to clearly resolve the disconnect between what scripture and many many ministers say God wants, from the very different reality.

Furthermore, I hear a great game talked in these programs, but when I invite these same folks to take up my very personal battle with what appears to be a situation that is counter to the stated will of God, the silence is deafening.

What has been my experience in matters of Love is that both parties have to want the same thing, regardless of their beliefs. If the love of your life doesn’t want the relationship to continue, it’s over PERIOD! So get over it and at some point try and love again. Being happy is a choice you make for yourself, not something someone else gives you.