The Paradox of Parenting: Who’s Really in Charge Here?

by: James R. Lucas - Nov 1, 2005 - comments: 1

In Charge

Who’s in charge?

Who’s really in charge here?

At the start, it looks like we are. We put babies down, and they are still there when we get back. What we say goes. We have “full parental authority,” or so it would seem. But this is both an illusion and a delusion if we don’t balance the idea of authority with its twin—sharing power.

Why is full parental authority an illusion? Because it’s destined to loosen over time, no matter how tightly we grasp it. Our children will grow up and begin to assert themselves. Eventually, they will be making their own decisions. The only question is: Will we have taught them how to make good decisions?

And why is full parental authority a delusion? Because it starts us down a road that we aren’t equipped to travel. We don’t have what it takes–all-knowing wisdom, endless energy, perfect insight–to make all of our children’s decisions or control their lives. Some parents never give up the delusion and cling to a domineering, micromanaging, nagging role that is both ineffective and unbecoming.

Here’s the rub. God doesn’t take this approach with us.

There’s no question that God is the ultimate authority. Indeed, Psalm 24:1 tells us that the earth and everything in it belong to God. He has a power that no parent has—to make people conform–and yet He doesn’t use it. Incredibly, He shares power with us. God lets us make decisions, make a difference, make mistakes, make reconciliation.

Many of us have discovered that parenting is a lot like war, only louder. Some of this is normal relationship conflict, and some comes from rebellious sinful natures, but a portion of it is ignited by parents themselves who misunderstand both authority and sharing power.

Master Parents don’t swing to either side of this paradox. They apprentice themselves to God and follow His example as the greatest parent of them all. They know that if they exercise authority without sharing power, they’ll create rebellion, unnecessary and unpleasant conflict, and more dependence on peers (since we’ve taught them to obey an outside voice and they transfer that to the wrong people). And they know that if they share power without exercising authority, they’ll invite harm, unnecessary and unpleasant consequences, and opportunity for their children to do what they shouldn’t do.

So Master Parents exercise authority the way God does with them. They know they have a serious responsibility that can’t and shouldn’t be dodged. They are keenly aware that they will give account to God for how they use authority. They exercise authority for the good of their children. They’re willing to make decisions that aren’t popular, say no to requests, set boundaries to limit lunacy, and resist emotional blackmail (“If you knew anything, you’d let me do this”). And they refuse to exercise authority for their own good–so they can feel in control over something, so they won’t be inconvenienced or embarrassed, so no one will think their kids aren’t perfect (they aren’t). They don’t say “do this because I say so” but rather “do this because it’s right.” Like God, their “commands are not a burden” (1 John 5:3).

And Master Parents share power the way God does with them. They know that sharing power is the only way to grow strong men and women for Christ, people who know how to think and decide in light of eternity and not look to their world for answers. They are keenly aware that the goal is not control but self-control, and the only way to get it is to road-test their children’s capabilities as human beings. They stay out of quarrels and sibling rivalry, because they know intervention teaches their children that a referee is needed, and they’d rather have their children learn about negotiating relationships from the ground up. As their children get older, Master Parents give more choices than orders.

Master Parents are clear on the difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment is a product of exercising authority and is designed to deal with rebellion and to make the rebel stop. Discipline, on the other hand, is a product of sharing power and is designed to deal with consequences and to make the disciple persevere.

Because we love our children, we gladly exercise godly, helpful authority over them. And because we love our children, we gladly share elevating, useful power with them. And we do these things because in the final analysis we know that authority is not a question of ownership, or even stewardship, but a question of relationship.

Should we exercise authority or share power?

Yes! Here are six ways Master Parents do both:

  1. Have the right attitude about power. We can use power as a goal (“I’m the parent, and you’re not”), or better, as a tool (“Here are some ways to do that well and avoid mistakes”). We can use power to dominate our children (“It’s my way or the highway!”), or better, to liberate our children (“Let’s put controls on our Internet access so we won’t pollute our souls”).
  2. Make agreements in advance. We know it’s more effective and less traumatic to get agreement on what we want in advance than to dictate those things after the fact. We say, “If you’ll agree to put your clothes in the hamper and wash up afterward, you can play in the mud. OK?” Or, “You can take the car if you get it washed beforehand. OK?” We’re saying yes a lot, but always with conditions. Violations don’t bring a lecture–they bring the loss of the next time in the mud or with the car.
  3. Make trades. Bargaining works: “I’ll do that for you. What will you do for me?”
  4. Agree on consequences. We make it clear in advance when certain actions will get certain consequences. We get agreement on understanding those consequences. “If you get anyone home late after the game and upset their parents, you’ll have to apologize to the parents in person and miss the next game. Do we understand each other?”
  5. Expand Options. We start when our kids are young offering as many options as are appropriate for their age and maturity. “Green beans or carrots?” is more powerful than “Eat your vegetables.” “Trash out tonight or in the morning?” is much better than “Take the trash out now.” We expand options as children develop and show themselves able to handle power: “Out until 11:30 or friends here until 1:00?”
  6. Use authority to enforce power sharing. We insist that our children take the responsibility and accountability that go with power. Younger children learn that if they want the privileges of older children they’ll have to take on the same level of responsibility. When our kids misuse power we enforce the consequences and refuse to bail them out or take over. We make violations subject to repentance and restitution rather than apologies and empty promises.

You can do it. You can effectively exercise authority while effectively sharing power. Your parenting will be revolutionized.

James R. Lucas is executive director of the Relationship Development Center, an organization dedicated to helping people develop and enhance their crucial life relationships. Click here for more information on the center, its resources, or Lucas’s Master Parenting Seminar.

As both an authority and friend, God is the ultimate example of good parenting. In The Paradox Principle of Parenting (Tyndale), James Lucas demolishes eight parenting myths and replaces them with paradoxical truths found in the way God parents us. Listen to Dr. Lucas on For Faith & Family Radio

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1 comments (post your own) feed

1 On Jun 6th, 2007, at 7:01pm, maureen lauer wrote:

Wow this makes so much sense. thanks!

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