The Paradox of Parenting: Let Freedom Ring!
by: James R. Lucas - May 1, 2006 - comment
Let freedom ring? Are you kidding?
A great American song, “My Country, ‘tis of Thee,” ends with the declaration to “Let freedom ring.” It’s the call of free people to dictators and tyrants everywhere: “Let my people go!” And to the slaves: “You are no longer property! It’s the year of jubilee!” We know that people have died for freedom–but so did Jesus. Let freedom ring!
But does this apply to parenting? As Christian parents, we really don’t have the choice to ignore this call. Why not? Because we’re told this: “Where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” (2 Cor. 3:17). So whatever else we know about our families–how much we love our children, how devoted we are, how much time we spend together–we know this: If we don’t have freedom, the Spirit of the Lord may be missing in action.
Now, let’s be real. Making freedom a priority in our homes can be a scary idea. Kids can make horrible choices, run amok, destroy their lives, disturb our lives. Are we supposed to look the other way and let our children do whatever they freely choose to do? This is more or less what much of the culture is telling us to do. They ask: What right do you have to teach your children absolute values?
We can react to the fear and the bogus calls for personal liberty by clamping down on or even abolishing freedom. We know the way, and we’ve got the power (or at least the size). We can teach the way, preach the way, drill the way, fill their heads so full of the way that they won’t know there is any other way. “It’s my, er, God’s way–or the highway!” But we run into a serious biblical and relational problem here: God doesn’t deal with us this way. Let’s spend a few minutes together exploring this apparent contradiction.
Without doubt, God says, “This is the way; walk in it.” The apostle Paul entices us by saying, “I will show you an even better way” (1 Cor. 12:31). If we’re listening, God shows us the way, teaches us how to walk in it, encourages us to stay on it, and lets us suffer when we leave it.
But He doesn’t make us follow it. He isn’t in the business of enslaving people and eliminating free will. Quite the contrary. Jesus came to “to proclaim freedom to the captives” (Luke 4:18). “Christ has liberated us into freedom!” Paul exclaimed to the Galatians (5:1). And then he gives a freedom-loving command: “Therefore stand firm and don’t submit again to a yoke of slavery.”
In God’s world, it isn’t the Way or freedom; it’s the Way and freedom. In fact, it’s more because the two are connected: He gives us the Way to freedom! He wants us to do likewise with our own children: Give them the Way, and the freedom, and the understanding that the Way is the only path to true freedom.
When parents apprentice themselves to the Master Parent, they avoid swinging to either side of this paradox. They know that if they insist on the Way without insisting on freedom, they can cause their children to resent the Way and seek freedom from the Way rather than within the Way. And they know that if they insist on freedom without insisting on the Way, they can lead their children toward unfettered license and crippling narcissism.
So Master Parents insist on the Way like God does with them. Master Parents don’t expect their kids to get it solely through their pastor’s sermons or Sunday school or youth group. They talk about it a lot. They live it out loud. They point out how it is or isn’t being followed and then help their children see the consequences (good and bad). They understand that they are supposed to show their children how the Way is best at all times and in all situations.
And Master Parents insist on freedom the way God does with them. They see that God didn’t create people to be domesticated like cattle, trained like dogs, or whipped like horses. They don’t wait to grant freedom until the kids are totally mature and flawless (we’d all still be waiting!), but allow them to use and misuse freedom early, when the mistakes are smaller and cost much less. They are risk-friendly and mistake-friendly, and they let children try to do some things before they’re ready. They say, “I understand” when the little one drops the too-big carton and when the big one drops the too-big college class.
Because we love our children, we joyfully show them the pleasures of the Way. And because we love our children, we joyfully show them the pleasures of freedom. And we do these things because we have come to understand that the Way is not ultimately a question of dogma, or a mound of rules, or strangling limitations, but a question of true Christian liberty. We know that freedom is risky, but we create a life for our children that is rife with liberty.
God put eternity in our hearts, and God put freedom in our hearts. As Master Parents, we want to squelch neither and enhance both. We want our children to be righteous, and we want our children to be free. In God’s family, righteous freedom is the only way to live.
Should we insist on “The Way” or insist on freedom? Absolutely! Here are four ways to do both:
- Say yes as much as you can. I think children might learn to say no as early as they do because they hear it so often. Master Parents don’t ask, “Is there any reason you should do this?” They ask, “Is there any real reason you shouldn’t do this?”
- Use boundaries instead of rules. Rules can be easy to create but tough to enforce. They say “Do this, don’t do that” and try to cover all contingencies. Boundaries that say “You can do everything but this” create fences inside of which freedom can flourish. Master Parents construct movable fences rather than unscalable walls.
- Use the “beneficial” test. Paul, in a truly startling statement, says that “everything is permissible” (1 Cor. 10:23). Wow! If ever there was a declaration of independence, that’s it. But he doesn’t stop there. He reminds us that not everything is beneficial or constructive. We need to talk with our kids about the probable results of their free choices. “You can spend time with her. How will that benefit you?” “You can skip that Bible study. What will you miss that will leave a hole in your wisdom?”
- Use the three types of mistakes. Did you know that all mistakes aren’t created equal? There are stupid mistakes (If you have a brain, you didn’t have to do this). There are intelligent mistakes (You probably needed to do this because you have a brain). And there are transformational mistakes (You can use your brain to turn stupid mistakes into intelligent ones). Thomas Edison built his inventiveness not on genius, but on his creative response to mistakes.
James R. Lucas is the father of four grown children and the author of fourteen books, including four on parenting. He also is executive director of the Relationship Development Center, an organization dedicated to helping people develop and enhance their crucial life relationships. For more information on the center, its resources, or Lucas’s Master Parenting Seminar, visit http://www.relationshiptruth.org .
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