The Needs of Stepfamilies
by: Ron Deal - Jul 1, 2006 - comment
While it is God’s desire and expectation that every marriage be strong and lasting, the sad reality is that many marriages fail. Approximately half of all first marriages end in divorce and the majority of those individuals remarry. When added to remarriages that follow the death of a spouse or an out-of-wedlock pregnancy, it’s easy to see why the number of adults and children in stepfamilies is growing significantly. These families struggle with unique challenges that traditional nuclear families do not face, and they present churches with a tremendous ministry opportunity as we seek to prevent divorce and strengthen families of all types. Stepfamilies desperately need help and want to belong. If we are going to help keep families together, then we’ve got to change how we intervene.
We’ve all heard the sad statistic that 45-50 percent of first marriages end in divorce. What you may not have heard is that the rate of divorce among remarried couples (when at least one partner has been married before) has been reported to be 60 percent. For years, some of us who specialize in preventing divorce among couples in stepfamilies (“stepcouples”) have speculated that the stepcouple divorce rate was higher given the added dilemmas of having children from a previous relationship(s). It appears that we were right.
Dr. E. Mavis Hetherington, principal researcher of the Virginia Longitudinal Study of Divorce and Remarriage and author of the book For Better or For Worse, confirmed to me that the overall divorce rate for stepcouples in her study was 65-70 percent. Furthermore, because not all stepfamilies have the same level of complexity, Dr. Hetherington went on to specify that “simple stepfamilies” (where only one partner brought a child or children to the new marriage) divorced at a rate of 65 percent; when both partners had children from previous relationships (“complex stepfamilies”) the divorce rate was slightly more than 70 percent.
Unfortunately, the divorce statistics are not that different for born-again Christians. George Barna reports that 35 percent of people who describe themselves as born-again have experienced divorce. Most of these people (75%) have remarried, and many (23%) have divorced a second time.
Unique Challenges
The need for ministry to stepfamilies is real, and the calls for help are coming from every side. This was impressed on me again recently when a man approached me for advice about a couple he knows. “This couple is separated,” he said. “The husband complains that she is too tough on his kids. The wife feels that his children are more important to him than she is and that he doesn’t discipline them enough. How can we help them?”
His question is a common one for church leaders and family ministers who don’t understand the challenges stepfamilies face. But they’re not the only ones. Stepfamilies themselves often enter the new family structure naively, only to discover that a stepfamily will never be able to function like a biological family. Roles change, rules for interaction vary, and loyalties are stretched. Those things are in addition to the challenges of coordinating calendars with another household or two regarding child visitation, extracurricular activities, and family events.
If being part of a stepfamily sounds exhausting, that’s because it can be. I liken the challenges of stepfamily living to putting together a 3-D jigsaw puzzle without instructions and without a picture on the box to show what the final product should look like, while blindfolded! Perhaps that’s why at least 60 percent of remarriages end in divorce.
Where’s the Church?
Despite their many needs, stepfamilies remain one of the most neglected groups in churches today. In fact, I’m not sure we even know there’s a problem. Now more than ever, stepfamilies, in particular, are looking for educational programs to equip them for successful living and churches that show care and a redemptive spirit.
Is your church or marriage program specifically addressing the complexities of stepcouple relationships such as parent-child-stepparent triangles, ghosts from previous relationships, financial considerations, stepparent roles and authority matters, children’s loss and loyalty issues, co-parenting dilemmas between ex-spouses, and the unique qualities of later-life marriages? If not, then you are not really helping to prevent re-divorce because while general marriage education programs are helpful, they don’t address the specific issues that lead to divorce in stepcouple marriages.
It is critical that church leaders, family organizations, and marriage ministries throughout the country take seriously the need for stepcouple and stepfamily educational programs. If 60-70 percent of stepcouples are divorcing, then obviously whatever we’ve been doing isn’t working. I believe that with guidance and a church family standing in support, 80 percent of stepcouple marriages could survive, even thrive despite the odds.
Currently, about 30 percent of American children are living in a stepfamily, and that number is increasing; it is estimated that by 2010 there will be more stepfamilies in America than any other type of family. To continue ignoring stepfamilies in our communities is to stand by and watch the dissolution of millions of marriages, exposing children to yet another parental divorce. If Christians say we are against divorce, we should fight to prevent re-divorce too. And if we are for families, let’s be for stepfamilies too.
How You Can Help
Learn all you can about the complexities of stepfamilies and the unique dynamics that interfere with marital longevity. Visit http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com for articles and resource lists.
Talk with stepfamilies in your church. Listen to their stories and hear their needs. Ask them to help you start and coordinate a support group or a Bible study class.
Modify your church’s pre-remarriage counseling to address the hidden challenges of stepfamily life. Couples need to know and realistically face what lies ahead.
Sponsor a seminar or ongoing class for stepfamilies. This sends a message of welcome to stepfamilies and provides practical information on successful stepfamily living.
Ron Deal is a family life minister and licensed marriage and family therapist. He is the founder and president of Successful Stepfamilies, an educational ministry that 1) empowers pre-remarital couples and stepcouples through books, videos, and conferences on successful stepfamily living; and 2) equips teachers, ministry leaders, and therapists to understand stepcouple relationships and intervene effectively. Over seventy free articles on a variety of stepfamily dynamics and ministry strategies are available at http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com . The online store offers Christ-centered, research-informed resources for church and home use, including Ron’s book The Smart Stepfamily (group study guide included), and Smart Steps/Growing in Wisdom, a comprehensive stepfamily curriculum.
Further Learning
Learn more about: Family, Marriage, Parenting