Suicide - Explaining to Children
by: Jerry Price - Nov 1, 2006 - comment
If you are a surviving spouse with children, “You will teach your children about suicide, whether you plan to or not. They will watch you and notice your responses. They will learn from you how they should act in the aftermath. So, decide now to be a good teacher. Act with the purpose of helping your children in the weeks and months ahead.” The author then gives seven suggestions for accomplishing this. The following is a brief summary of each:
- Be honest. Constant messages are being sent by you to your children about this death. Make sure they are true. Explain clearly and directly what happened and why. You need not go into explicit or gory details. Use simple language children can understand. Do not say things like “Your daddy has gone to sleep.” That will only enhance their fear of losing you when you go to sleep. Don’t say things like “God wanted him more than we did.” That communicates that God is responsible for it and they will learn to be afraid of God.
- Listen carefully. Answer their questions truthfully. If you don’t know the answer to a question, say so. Be prepared for any kind of question. Never communicate to them that a question is inappropriate. Listen between the lines. What are they asking that wasn’t expressed in the words? Don’t fall into long periods of silence. Children will often interpret that as “You don’t care about this.”
- Be consistent. Two or more versions of what happened bring confusion to the children. Share the simple truth and resist trying to soften it or make it more palatable.
- Respect you child’s senses and awareness. Here again, the truth is necessary. Don’t call the suicide an accident or something else that just isn’t true. To do so will lead later to distrust of you.
- Talk about the deceased family member. Talking about the deceased helps children overcome denial that it happened and the feeling that it was their fault. They need to learn that it is okay to talk about it rather than bottling it up inside. This would be a good time to discuss better ways of handling problems than suicide.
- Involve all your children. Even the youngest are inquisitive and often have an awareness that something terrible has happened. Make your explanations fit their level of understanding, but don’t avoid the truth. Overprotection may backfire in the future.
- Don’t go it alone. You cannot give away your responsibility as a parent. But you may need help in dealing not only with your own grief, but the children’s as well. That can be overwhelming. Admit you need help and get it. A trusted pastor, friend, or counselor can be a sounding board and help you see things from a better perspective.
John H. Hewitt, After Suicide (Louisville: Westminster John Knox Press, 1980), 68-73.
Further Learning
Learn more about: Life, Suicide