For Faith & Family

Blended Families - General

by: Jerry Price - Jun 1, 2006 - comments: 3

[Editor’s note: This fact sheet will use the terms “blended families” and “step-families” interchangeably. Many service organizations work primarily or exclusively with families that are the joining together of husbands and wives who have been previously married, often with children from one or both previous marriages. The term “blended families” can refer to this situation. But blended families may also include those who have adopted a child into an already functioning family, caring for foster children in combination with their own children, caring for children of relatives who are deceased or incapacitated, etc.]

“Even Cinderella in her fairy tale world faced problems with her stepfamily. Blending a family can bring great conflict, and while no fairy godmother can provide instant solutions, parents can develop strategies for building unity in their blended family. Each member of the family has a role to play. Custodial parents should carefully assess the feelings of their children and encourage open communication. Meanwhile, potential stepparents should not have an agenda to “win over” a child; the best way they can show love is by treating the biological parent with affection and respect. Together, parents of blended families should establish equitable boundaries for all members of the household and develop traditions to help the two families become a single unit.”

Blended Families (Troubled With) [Accessed January 18, 2006]

Stepfamily Challenges

• “Don’t begin the journey unless you’ve done your homework, counted the cost and are willing to persevere until you reach the ‘Promised Land.’
• Make sure you’re not still haunted by the ghost of marriage past. Emotional and spiritual healing from divorce or the death of a spouse takes time; in fact, the average person requires three to five years before they can be discerning about a new relationship. Don’t let the rebound-bug bite you where it hurts.
• Realize that a parent’s relationship with his children will be an intimacy barrier to the new marriage.
• Understand that cooking a stepfamily takes time. Every stepfamily has an assumed blending style (whether they know it or not) that drives how they treat one another.
• Accept the fact that remarriage is a gain for the adults and a loss for the kids. What they really want is for Mom and Dad to reunite, so for them the remarriage is a loss. When you add that to the list of hundreds of other losses they’ve already experienced you can see why children have mixed feelings about the new family.
• Dating is important but true stepfamily relationships start with the wedding. Children are sometimes tolerant, even encouraging of their parent’s new romance, but they frequently change their tune when real stepfamily life begins.
• Discuss and develop a plan for your parenting roles. For the first couple of years after remarriage, it’s generally best for the biological parent to remain the main source of nurturance, affection and discipline. The stepparents role may evolve from a ‘babysitter’ role (where they borrow power from the biological parent and enforce ‘their’ rules), to an ‘uncle or aunt’ (where the children consider the stepparent extended family, but not a parent), to a ‘parental role model’ with a considerable measure of authority. This gradual progression gives the stepparent and stepchildren time and space to develop a relationship before power battles come into play.
• Develop a working relationship with your ex-spouse.
• Loyalties, left unattended, will divide and conquer a stepfamily. Allow children to love both biological parents and don’t force a relationship with the stepparent(s). Let children set the pace for their new step-relationships and don’t worry if they aren’t ‘warming up’ as quickly as you’d like.

• Consider the potential for sexual pressures within the home. The incidence of stepfamily incest is eight times greater than in biological families. Stepsiblings in particular are often confronted with sexual thoughts that lead to shame or inappropriate behavior.”

Adapted from Ron Deal, Is Remarriage a Step in the Right Direction? (Troubled With) [Accessed January 18, 2006]

“There are several problem areas that only blended families face. A few of these are:

• Both parent and stepparent do not treat children in the blended family equally.
• Many stepparents find it difficult to love their stepchild or stepchildren.
• The children are not accepting of the new ‘parental authority’ in the home.
• Discipline from a stepparent usually results in frustration, opposition, and disrespect.
• The new home has two sets of rules, and two types of discipline.
• Children have two homes, with two sets of rules and different methods of discipline.

• Extended families do not always accept the new spouse or the stepchildren.”

What is a Blended Family (Blending a Family Ministry) [Accessed January 18, 2006]

Contemplating blending two families?

• “Do start talking with your children about the possibility of blending your family early. LONG before your marriage, begin the dialogue about the future family life. Mix in lots of listening so that all the children feel heard.
• Don’t push your children into creating relationships. Allow those relationships to evolve slowly and naturally over time. Give your children the time, space and flexibility to adjust to the new situation.
• Do establish new traditions. Some current traditions and rituals you will want to maintain. Others you will need to create around the new family setting. Look for uniqueness in your new blended family and build a tradition around that.
• Don’t expect your stepchildren to call you Mom or Dad. Let the stepchildren decide what they want to call you. Their comfort level is important here. If they don’t naturally settle on a name, meet with them to mutually establish a name that you are comfortable being called.
• Do establish a unified parenting approach that is evenly applied to all in the family. Reach agreement with your new partner on how to address the important parenting situations that present themselves. Correct behavior from a position of, ‘This is how we do it in our family.’
• Don’t focus exclusively on the family and neglect strengthening your marriage. Raising children is a challenge. Raising other people’s children is a special challenge. Having a strong marriage will help you manage the challenge of blending your families together.
• Do spend some time alone with each child and stepchild. Set aside time each day to connect one on one with all the children in your new family. This will help them establish a sense of belonging that enhances their connection to the family.
• Do hold family meetings. This gives all members of the family a chance to express their opinions and have input into the rules, schedule and planning of upcoming events. Family meetings provide opportunities for family members to vent as well as express appreciation.

• Don’t attempt to do it alone. Seek support from a local community organization or family therapist professional.”

Excerpted from Tom Haller and Chick Moorman, Creating a Blended Family: Do’s and Don’ts (Preteenagers Today) [Accessed January 18, 2006

“Reality #1: Estimates show that 2.4 million marriages and 1.2 million divorces occur annually.

Reality #2: Nearly 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce—within 8 years. Divorce is more common in remarriage and oftentimes occurs quicker—within 7 years.

Reality #3: It usually takes a minimum of four years or more for a stepparent to build a relationship with a stepchild. (Bray & Kelly, 1998)

Reality #4: One out of three Americans is now a stepparent, stepchild, a stepsibling or some other member of a stepfamily.

Reality #5: A Stepfamily Association of America survey revealed that 80 percent of its members wanted more information about stepfamilies and the #1 way they wanted it was through written material.

Reality #6: Survey results from a group of stepmothers attending support groups tells why they initially came to the group.

• 80 percent said they wanted support

• 53 percent said they were seeking education

The average time spent looking for this resource was 1.6 years. Bottom line—they want guidance.”

Face the Facts (Your Stepfamily), November-December 2004 [Accessed January 23, 2006]

• “Seventy-five percent of families in America are non-traditional families (Census 2000)
• There are now more single-parent families than two-parent families (Census 2000)
• There are over 80 million singles in America
• Most single-parent families do not attend church
• There will soon be more stepfamilies than nuclear families
• Over 50 percent of all Americans alive today are or will be involved in a stepfamily.
• 80 percent of divorced or widowed individuals remarry; 65 percent of the time, children are involved

• The remarriage divorce rate is 60 percent (or more)”

“What We Know About Non-traditional Families,” http://www.instepministries.com (InStep Ministries) [Accessed January 23, 2006]

• “Divorced individuals are extremely wounded, both emotionally and spiritually. This woundedness has many consequences: guilt, shame, fear, distrust, self-protection, lack of empathy and an inability to communicate or solve problems effectively.
• Remarrying adults bring a host of unresolved issues, inaccurate beliefs and unrealistic expectations to a new stepfamily. The mental picture they have of remarriage and stepfamily life does not reflect reality.
• Most individuals remarry too soon, often less than two years after a death or divorce. Many individuals remarry before they or their children have completed the grieving process. Further, the time between meeting someone and remarrying is less than half that of first-time marriages. The average remarrying adult has known their partner less than nine months.
• Remarriage is not about ‘picking’ the right person but about finding the right relationship, being the right person and picking the right ‘people.’
• Stepfamilies live in a constant state of ‘relational overload.’ Step-relationships are far more numerous and complex than first-time families.
• Children of divorce experience a great many changes and losses. They do not adjust to these changes or grieve these losses quickly. Many children are still emotionally wounded when their parents remarry. Consequently, they often have difficulty adjusting to a new family structure.
• First time marriages involve the church far more frequently than remarriages. Most individuals do not seek spiritual guidance prior to remarriage.
• Accountability is often absent in the life of remarrying individuals. Spiritual maturity is a great hedge against divorce. Accountability with other believers in the context of Christian community is a wonderful way to grow and heal. Unfortunately, many divorced individuals have difficulty working though their guilt and shame and therefore stay isolated.
• Remarrying couples have a much wider disparity in age than first-time couples—often ten years of more. This means that their children may have different needs and be at very different places socially, educationally and developmentally. Age disparity can also impact such issues as discipline, lifestyle, vocation or retirement.

• Sexual boundaries are far more ambiguous in remarriages. Due to emotional wounds, pain and loneliness, premarital sex is far more prevalent among remarrying couples. Unfortunately, sexual relationships often give the illusion of closeness, prompting couples to remarry too soon.”

p(notes).Excerpted from Why is Remarriage and Stepfamily Life So Challenging? (InStep Ministries) [Accessed January 23, 2006]

How Do Stepfamily Members View the Role of the Stepparent?

“Our results showed that parents and stepparents generally thought in fairly similar ways about how the role of the stepparent is being performed and how it should be performed; however, stepchildren had views that were quite different than those of their parent and stepparent. With reference to how the stepparent role should be performed, about half of the parents and stepparents identified ‘parent’ as the ideal stepparent role; ‘stepparent’ and ‘friend’ were each chosen by less than 25 percent of parents and stepparents. By contrast, 40 percent of stepchildren identified ‘friend’ as the ideal descriptor; only 29 percent identified ‘parent’ and 18 percent identified ‘stepparent.’

“With reference to stepfamily member’s views of how the stepparent role is currently being performed, parents and stepparents again had similar perceptions. Most identified the current relationship as either that of ‘stepparent’ or ‘parent’ with 69 percent of parents and 73 percent of stepparents identifying one of these two labels. By contrast, only 56 percent of stepchildren selected one of these two labels; 44 percent of stepchildren selected either ‘friend’ of one of the ‘other’ categories.”

Excerpted from Mark Fine, The Role of the Stepparent: How Similar are the Views of Stepparents, Parents, and Stepchildren? (Stepfamilies, Fall 1997) (Stepfamily Association of America) [Accessed January 23, 2006]

“All stepfamilies have faced numerous losses and changes. It may be a final ending … the death of a spouse or parent. It may be the ending of a marriage or relationship. Endings are hard because they mean adjusting to loss and change. Because people have trouble separating from old ties, endings mean grieving. Both adults and children grieve.

“Adults grieve:

• The loss of a partner.
• The loss of a marriage relationship.
• The loss of our dreams about the way we thought it would be because we are not ‘the first’ for our new partner.

• The losses involved in the changes that happen because of the death or divorce (moving, a new job, change in life style, etc.).

“Children grieve:

• The loss of a parent (even if the nonresidential parent visits regularly).
• The loss or lessened availability of the remaining parent when courtship and remarriage occur.
• The loss of stability.
• The changes that happen because of the divorce or death (new place to live, new school, loss of friends etc.).

• The loss of their fantasy of family the way they want it to be.”

Excerpted from How Are Stepfamilies Different than First-time Families?, Frequently Asked Questions (Stepfamily Association of America) [Accessed January 23, 2006]

“Blended families can face special challenges. But there is a more serious problem that can develop. It concerns the way the new husband and wife feel about their kids. Each is irrationally committed to his or her own flesh and blood, while they’re merely acquainted with the others. When fights and insults occur between the two sets of children, they are almost always partial to those they brought into the world. The natural tendency is to let the blended family dissolve into armed camps, us against them. If the kids sense this tension between the parents, they will exploit it to gain power over their siblings.

“Some terrible battles can occur unless there are some ways to ventilate these feelings. Given the challenges, it is apparent why the probabilities of second and third marriages being successful are considerably lower than the first. It is possible to blend families successfully, and millions of people have done it. But the task is difficult, and you may need some help in pulling it off.”

What’s the Biggest Hurdle Blended Families Face? (Troubled With) [Accessed January 18, 2006]

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